Data Man
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Random craziness, silly inside jokes; a Data Man, a Snake Boy, and the terror of Gothic City!


A/N: Based on the old Batman TV show, which I of course do not own. The second of two birthday fics for Posterior Praiser. Happy birthday!

cue annoying music.

DATA MAN!

DATA MAN!

DATA MAN!

DATA MAN!

duhnuhnuhnuhduhnuhnuh -- DATA MAN!

When we last left our heroes, they were hanging precariously over a pit of acid, while The Duck laughed maniacally and began to reveal his evil plot to take over Gotham City yet again.

"...and then I'll take over the TV station, da ne! ! In that way, I will rule the city, da ne!" The Duck cackled. "And neither of you will be able to stop it, because you'll both be dead, da ne!"

With that, The Duck made his dramatic exit, leaving our heroes to face their fate.

"Well, Snake Boy, it seems that we've gotten ourselves into a fine predicament this time," Data Man observed.

"Ssss," Snake Boy agreed.

"This calls for drastic measures." Data Man struggled against his bindings, to no avail. "If only I could reach my Data Belt!"

Snake boy had enough movement in his left leg that he was able to reach out and touch Data Man. He kicked out a little too hard the firs time, which caused Data Man some distress. After apologizing profusely, he maneuvered his foot more carefully, and managed to get his foot into the Data Belt. He nudged the button on the Data Acid Converter. A vial full of liquid descended into the pool of acid. The liquid was actual a base, and neutralized the acid in mere seconds. The pool was filled with water, and an ionic salt, which sunk to the bottom of the water.

"That takes care of that, but how are we going to get down from here?" Data Man pondered. "I guess this calls for the Data Emergency Gadget."

"Holy flatulent monkeys, Data Man! We've never even tested the Data Emergency Gadget! What if something goes wrong?"

"We won't be any worse off than we are now."

"Fsssh." Snake Boy stuck his foot in the Data Belt again. For a brief moment he wondered if Data Man had somehow planned this entire event. He pressed the button on the Data Emergency Gadget, and the world exploded into a puff of pink smoke.

When the smoke thinned out, Data Man and Snake Boy were on the ground.

"Well, apparently it worked," Data Man said. He whipped out the Data Notebook. "Ii data."

"sssffsssshhh," said Snake Boy.

"Now, let's go save Gothic City from The Duck," Data Man said. "To the Data Mobile, Snake Boy!"

-----

Meanwhile, at the TV station...

"Ahahahah, hahahah, haha, da ne!" exclaimed The Duck. "All the helpless fools will cower before me! They will bow down at my feet and kiss them, no matter how smelly they are, da ne!" He powdered his nose, then took a seat at the news desk. It was time for his television debut.

"Lights camera action, da ne!"

The Duck's henchmen started rolling.

"This is The Duck, da ne. I've taken over the TV station, da ne. I'm appearing to you now live, da ne. All you pathetic weaklings are going to have to follow my orders now, da ne! I control the media, and therefore your lives, da ne!"

"That's where you're wrong!" cried a voice. "You will never triumph, because you are evil! Fssh!"

"What? It's Snake Boy!" The Duck squealed.

"And Data Man!" Data Man and Snake Boy descended from the ceiling, in true heroic grand entrance form. "You will not win today, Duck."

"Get him, da ne!"

The Duck's henchmen advanced on the Moronic Twosome.

WHAM!

BAM

POW

ZIP

ZAP

ZOOM

ZOWIE

ZIPPITY DOO DA

BASH

SMASH

OW

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE STICKING THAT ELBOW

HEY, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM!

THIS SPACE FOR RENT

PUNCH

After the dramatic fight sequence, Data Man and Snake Boy were the only ones standing. They fastened the Data Handcuffs onto The Duck's wrists, and called the Gothic City police to come and take him away.

-----

"Well, as they say, all's well that ends well," said Inui Sadaharu. He raised his glass in a toast.

"Fsshh," said Kaido Kaoru.

Inui Sadaharu was a respected businessman, and Kaido Kaoru was your average college student -- but they had a secret. Their alter-egos were Data Man and Snake Boy, and by night they defended Gothic City from Evil (TM).

"Sirs," said Momofred, their trusted butler (who knew who they really were), "The Data Phone is ringing."

The Data Phone was their special phone. It was purple, and looked surprisingly like a hunk of plastic. It was the private line that the mayor of Gothic City used when he needed them to save his ass.

Kaido glanced out of the window, and saw that the Data Symbol in the Data Tower was also lit up.

"I guess we'd better take the call then," said Inui. He and Kaido went to their magic poles. One was labeled "Inui" and the other was labeled "Kaido." Inui went down the "Inui" pole, and Kaido went down the "Kaido" pole. Of course, that sounds redundant, but that's not the issue here.

The magic poles led to the basement, which was actually Data Man's secret lair. When the two got to the bottom of the poles, they were instantly clad in their Data Man and Snake Boy attire. Snake Boy's uniform consisted of green tights, snakeskin short-shorts, a t-shirt that said "I Love Kitties", and a bandana over his mouth, to hide his true indentity. Data Man always wore sparkly purple tights, sparkly purple poofy Shakespearean shorts, and a sparkly purple vest. To hide his true identity, he did not wear anything over his face -- as Inui Sadaharu, he always kept his eyes hidden.

Data Man picked up the phone. "Yes, mayor, what is it?"

"The Duck has escaped, Data Man!"

"Already? I thought it would take at least six more episodes."

"Well...the budget is especially small this month, so we couldn't afford a new bad guy," said the director, who was on the other line.

"I see."

"Please, save Gothic City, Data Man!"

"Yes yes, of course." Data Man hung up. "Snake Boy, see if you can track The Duck on the Data Tracker."

Snake Boy regarded the screen. "By Posterior's Cheeks, Data Man!"

"What is it, Snake Boy?"

"Fsshh! It says here that we can get fifty percent off on our next visit to the spa, if we bring them this coupon!"

"Ah, that's wonderful news, Snake Boy, but you're looking at the wrong screen."

"Fssh."

After locating the Duck, Data Man and Snake Boy got into the Data Mobile and went after him.

On the way there, they were intercepted by an old foe of theirs, who had somehow gotten out of prison, as many of their old foes tended to. Data Man got out of the car to greet him.

"Ah, Tiger Man," Data Man said. "It's been quite a while."

"That it has, Data Man."

They regarded each other with an Intense Gaze (although since Tiger Man's eyes were closed, this is a strange occurrence indeed) . Each time they met, weird sparks flew back and forth between them. They had a very long history, dating back to when they played doubles tennis together in elementary. Tiger Man wanted to take over Gothic City like the rest of the bad guys; Data Man wanted to save Gothic City like a good boy. However, they couldn't help this attraction, this--this --

"Fsssh!" exclaimed Snake Boy impatiently. "We're supposed to be going after The Duck, Data Man! Stop flirting!"

"Are you jealous, Snake Boy?"

Snake Boy turned beet red. "FSSH!" he exclaimed indignantly. "Just get in the car!"

"It's not a car, it's a Data Mobile."

Snake Boy pressed the Red Data Button, and missiles shot out at Data Man.

"I'm sorry Tiger Man, but we'll have to have our battle next time," Data Man apologized. "Try not to monopolize the city until we're finished with The Duck."

"I wouldn't dream of it. I look forward to next time, Data Man."

"Oh yes, so do I. Ah, and before we fight, I think we should have some tea and discuss politics."

"That sounds lovely."

"DATA MAN!"

"Until then," Data Man said, and he got back into the Data Mobile.

-----

After hunting down The Duck, there was another dramatic fight sequence, and then they threw The Duck back in jail where he belonged.

"Good job, Snake Boy," Data Man said. "Now let's go home."

"Fssh. Actually, I was hoping we could go redeem that coupon at the spa."

"That sounds like a better idea altogether."

A purple light flashed on the control panel of the Data Mobile. That usually meant that the mayor needed something.

"What is it this time?" Data Man asked, quite crossly.

"Data Man! I need your help!" the mayor exclaimed. "Akutsu Freeze has escaped from prison!"

"You really need to look into getting a better security system." Data Man sighed. "Well, Snake Boy, it looks like the spa will have to wait."

"Fssh." Snake Boy was quite disappointed. He looked out the window, and -- "Holy spitball wads of doom, Data Man! Akutsu Freeze is here already."

"..." Data Man did not have time to act before the Data Mobile was frozen solid. This time, they would surely die! Perhaps.

Will Data Man and Snake Boy freeze to death?

Will Tiger Man and Data Man get to have their tea?

Will Momofred retire and go to Hawaii?

Will the mayor invest in a new jail?

Will the spa still accept the fifty percent off coupon??!!

Find out in the next episode -- "The Power of Farts" or "Why I Don't Eat Cheese". Same Data time, same Data Channel!


End file.
